Approaching your father-in-law in an appropriate manner, discussing the issue with him, and letting him know of your intentions may be a humbling and nerve-wracking experience, but believe me, he will not hurt you! There is no need to feel anything negative; you’re not committing a crime! Remember, you have to be man enough.
Ok, so we will assume, insha Allah, that all of that is in working order; so how do we propose? How do you court the girl you want, and how should you approach that special girl you are interested in marrying?
Well, there is no real step-by-step way of approaching such a matter. Subhan Allah, as we all know, there is as much diversity in this life as there is in the number of human beings, so to narrow down all this beautiful diversity and randomness of life into a single line of behavior would be unwise and impractical.
However, opinions are many, but the truth is one. There may be many ways of approaching the matter, but some rules remain and apply in all circumstances and at all times. These rules include: no free time and unlawful communication between male and female (Khalwa), mandatory rules of going through a Mahram, rules of not proposing on behalf of another, rules of no touching under any circumstance between male and female before marriage, and so forth.
As for the manner of approaching the female, this can occur in various ways. The brother may lay eyes on a sister for the first time: in the street, at a CAFE or university, in a shopping center, at work, at a community event (dinners, lectures) or at any other venue where males and females generally meet.
After this, a natural spark of interest may arise. The brother can endeavor to find out the name of this sister through appropriate means, and the opportunities for this are endless, but the brother has to be patient—the girl will not evaporate into thin air overnight.
He can do that through the institution she attends or works at, through the friends that she was with at the time, or through other means that present themselves at the time.
Once he knows what her name is, he can work with this information and speak to family friends and relatives who he can count on to obtain more information, which includes her contact number. These family friends or relatives must be responsible Muslims who won’t carry this information and make it headline news in the community.
Through this, he can obtain her home phone number, the names of her parents and family members, and a bit of background information about the family to get a general feel for everything. Information like this is very easy to obtain, which may actually be scary However, if every Muslim is responsible and aware of the dangers of Ghiba and sayings that are not necessary for people who have nothing to do with the matter, then, insha Allah, it should be fine.
It is for this reason that such information should not be given to or received from anyone who is not trusted for their ability to keep a secret and basically keep a lid on things for the time being. In the past, this matter has caused so much trouble, and you don’t need that during your delicate time whilst getting to know a sister.
Once you have the information that satisfies the believer in you, then you are ready to make that important call to the family. Usually, mum makes that call to the mother of the lady and requests that she come over for a ‘cup of coffee.’ Asian mothers usually know what ‘a cup of coffee’ means, but in other nationalities and cultures, it may be different. For this reason, since this is nothing strictly Islamic, there is no set way to let parents know; it is open for cultures and traditions to play their part. However, under no conditions do cultures or traditions overpower the religion and break any of the rules of Islam.
It is after that initial nerve-wrecking visit by the man and his parents to the sister’s house that the bride is officially engaged (Note that this ‘engagement’ is not the same as western culture; here the man and woman are just beginning to know each other).
After that particular gathering, it is unlawful for any other brother to propose to or even talk of proposing to this same sister. In Islam, this period is called the engagement period—the time that both parties begin to inquire about the other, and it is Haram to make a proposal upon another brother’s proposal.
This includes contacting the sister or her parents about the matter. It is when things end and each party goes their own way that another brother can make his offer and express his interest, so remember this, my dear brother, and don’t be tempted to break this rule.
After this visit, things begin to build up. Parents ask about the other party through their family, friends, and members of the community who they can trust with such information, like our Sheikhs and other community leaders. More visits will be pursued.
Families will get to know each other, and where they decide to go and the decisions they make are then up to them. Meanwhile, the brother is getting time to have some small talk with his potential bride-to-be about the birds and the bees and everything else they can muster from their minds that would be ticking away in la-la land.
What you end up with, insha Allah, is another Muslim family blessed by Allah with a lot of hope attached to it and so many people blessing it and willing to support it in any way.
You see friends, family and the community being happy for a couple of lovebirds, wishing them all the best in their marriage and asking Allah for the best of this world and the best of the hereafter.
If you are not married yet, all the best, insha Allah, and may your route to happiness be easy. As for those newlyweds, hang in there and may Allah assist you with increased patience, and for those who are already married and have been so for a while, may Allah shower your marriage with strength and prosperity so that you may set an example for the rest of us that follow.